Being Mum

Breasts sagging 

Stomach scarred

Body scarred for life

To give life

Hands dry 

Heels cracked

Skin unshaven 

Hair unkempt 

Bones in pain

Yet..

You cuddle my sagging stomach 

And shower your love

untouched by the notions 

Of this world.

I looked at my hands

I said “Ugly!”

You said “Mum! 

Your hands are lovely”

Body depleted but

Heart full.

Happy Women's Day.. I guess

Good afternoon. I have had a long and tiring night. Between Karate Kid and a snoring partner, a girl can't get much sleep. But hey, it is Women's Day today. Brilliant! Another day which 'celebrates' awareness that women need a day to be celebrated. Really?! I mean, just what is so happy about it? Is it that we are still struggling to be 'equal' to men, or we are still asking for our rights? Well, lets not get too ideological about it. Remember, I have had a long night. However, this morning, as I was getting ready for work, my husband made an observation- "You demand too much." He meant it as a joke, but I definitely don't deny it. I do demand a lot- from everything and everyone.

When I was younger (notice the 'er'), I learnt a few lessons in life. As a youngster, I wasn't demanding at all. I was 'nice'. I didn't ask for anything. If my mom asked me , "What would you like for dinner?", my reply was generally, Oh! anything." If my employer or client asked to work late, "No Problem." Sure it happens, Sometimes. And thankfully, Mom's a brilliant cook. And in the end, I did pretty well in my career. But the oh-it-is-okay attitude always socked me right back in the eye. If I just expected it, then may be, just may be, I would get it. And if I didn't demand it, then well.. you know- It is utterly out of the question!!

There comes a time in every woman's life, where she has to turn around and ask, "Well, what about me?"- That question, my friends, changes the whole game. After a few kicks in life, I decided to ask it, at every stage in my life. What about me? Does this help me? Do I deserve this? Do I really need to stand for this? Do I really have to? I started caring for myself - first. Then, the rest of the world. Yes, it is selfish. But it's not like I'm stealing candy from a kid's mouth. Nothing will fall into you lap, just because you are nice. It is good to be nice. You feel good about yourself- but only just until, someone not-so-nice gets away with crimes they don't go to prison for. Or gets something, which may be a 'nice' person deserved.

The golden rule of my life has changed, as I'm stepping closer to my 30th birthday- Be nice, be good- so you stay deserving for all the good things. But want more, demand more, Get more. And fight for it- if it is really important for you. It works. And I guess, that's what Women's Day is about. This isn't just about spa days, chocolates, flowers and cards. It is about our rights- which we weren't demanding, but now we are.  If you consider yourself equal, don't ask for equality or your rights. Take it. A fight- which we have only just begun. And there is still a long way to go. But we definitely deserve to win.

Happy Women's Day!

By now..

A gulp of the throat, a gasp of air
A reluctant glance, a whisper
The apologetic eyes, the clenched fists
a bitten lip, to stop the words
the turning head, stealing a look

The memory flooding back. 

Each moment remembered

By now, it should have been forgotten.
By now, the life he dreamt of must have started.
By now, the life she dreamt of should have started.

But here we are, at a singular olden moment
and the air just hangs refusing to move,
refusing to alter the very nature of the hearts
Is it all gone? will it all go?
Is time still, or is it just them?

Oh, but wait.
They were never here.
They never happened.
So nothing was ever lost.
Nothing ever gained.
No memory was theirs to keep
By now, they should have known
By now, it has stopped to matter
By now, they are used to it.

The moment that passed

A moment sealed by lips. His lips.

At that moment, the ring on her finger didn't matter, nor did the ring on his.

It lasted only a moment really.

As her stomach went up in a knot, she didn't want to believe that, that moment had changed her life; that she wouldn't go back to who she was. In her heart she knew, she never will. It was not that she was in love or even close to it. She had already been in it once, and she knew she would never feel the same way about any man ever again.

She knew she should feel guilty, but she didn't. She like it too much.

It was just the kiss that she had been longing for a really long time. That’s all. That is all there was to that moment.Secretly, she wanted more.

However, she realised she was herself again- unstable, unpredictable, selfish and calm- all at the same time. She felt empowered and stable in her instability.

She always knew how to stand on a shaky ground, but never had she mastered standing on a level plain.

Now, she was back on the familiar terrain. And loved every minute of it.

Someone had once told her that, that she created her own problems. What he didn't know was she thrived on them.

She liked the indecisiveness of life, and its problems it brought along with it.

Without that, she didn't know how to live.

Hiding herself in a corner, and thinking about it for days on end.
Could she face him the next day? She didn't know.

Would he want to face her again? She didn't know that either. She was exciting and scared all at the same time.

She didn't regret it. But may be he did. And that scared her.

The Next Day.

Her heart raced the whole time. She never thought she would feel this way again. It was a strange feeling of anticipation and fear- the ‘what-if’ fear- what if he is ashamed, because she wasn't. what if he is angry, because she wasn't. But the worst of all- what if, he hated it, as she definitely didn't.

The only thing they could do was laugh it off, and say to each other, “I had fun!” For once, her hands were warm. He knew that. He was cold.

She could see the regret in his eyes.

The awkwardness and the memory of the kiss that passed, lingered on in their thought, but neither could acknowledge it.

She knew the moment had passed, and would never return again.

If... Then...

If- it's a big word isn't it. You can fit your entire existence in this word. If you had done this, then... words after "then" generally fade away, because that could-have-been life, also has. 

It brings out the possibilities you could have had. The pain of the fact that you never had. What life could have been, should have been. It brings back hurt, pain and regret. Why didn't you do that? Why did you listen to everyone? Why? Ironic, because no body can take responsibility for what went wrong in your life. And no one else has the answers. Generally, the answers to all the "whys" is because you were scared. 

Sometimes, it brings back the hope, makes you realize the fact, that you're lucky not making a few decisions you could have made. And a consolation, that may be, just may be life isn't so bad anyways. It makes you proud of yourself. And you pat yourself, saying "Good Job!!".

But the sun never rises on the horizon of "if". It's all but past. It's funny, how much regret makes up a huge part of our lives. We never give up the pretense of happiness, even though, we've made decisions which makes us responsible for some of the worst mistakes of our lives. Some which can ruin everything. We run from it, trying never to think about them. We tell ourselves, "We're but human." Though we aren't convinced about it ourselves. We learn to call it "experience".

Some moments can change our lives, turning it away from the course. We can never be sure for our lives to go the way we've planned. I wonder, if it is choice or destiny, which plays a larger part in our lives. We can choose all we want, but still never be sure. And if what we want doesn't happen.. then, we replace the wish, with blame games and later with an "if".

As the colours of the memories fade, you settle into your regret. Something you'll live with for the rest of your life. Life would still go on, just not take the course you wanted it on. The consolation we give ourselves, when what we've wanted doesn't happen, learning it from the last generation- "What ever happens, happens for the good", "God has emptied your hand for something better" etc. Only feels like a consolation, doesn't it?  

 

May be

Oh how love suffers...

Sitting silent, in different worlds,

Going through it all in the mind, never saying a word.

This when spring began and this is when it ends.

Oh how love suffers...

The pause too long for the pain to heal.

The wound stays open for the times to come.

Some words not said hurt more than the spoken.

Oh how love suffers...

Sometimes I wish, you could see me from the dark.

See the tears I've cried without you by my side.

I keep myself strong. I don't fall to the tide.

Oh how love suffers...

Should I stay like this for the nights to come?

The peace is gone. Its too far as you don't smile

You’re polite and it feels like a stab through the chest

May be you don't hear me, but may be you do.

May be you don't care, but may be you do.

I never know the truth from the reality.

I live in my fears and in my wishes.

May be what I wish from you, you can't give,

but then may be you can.

My whole world could be wrapped in two words.

Oh how love suffers...

Dreams

Many poets crossed my way

with words which have 

wretched my heart for long.

But no one sang my song.

till one day, my song came along.

I don't know who,

I don't know why and

what those words had in them.

They pulled a chord so deep within.

My song sang to me from seas faraway.

It told me stories of love and hope.

It took me by the hand and into a fairyland.

I drifted with its currents.

and here I am, as if in a strange world.

A world that I hardly know.

My song brought me here, but it is gone now.

some wind carried it away.

oh so cold! This foreign land.

and so cold so cold my hands

As winter sets on my dreams.

I pray my song flies back to me,

takes away the grayness and

takes away the loneliness and takes me back

Back to the fairyland where I was.